Harry Potter and the Smutty Fanfic
by Detective Kimball
Summary: FINISHED! Don't let the title fool you, this is a story making fun of smutty Harry Potter fanfics. Trust me, hilarity ensues. Rated M for foul language and a non explicit/funny sex scene. AU, I guess. Rate and comment, dammit!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** I'm sorta new to this big "Writing on the internet" thing, and I've been reading alot of satirical books/articles/etc. so I thought, why the hell not? I suppose this is an AU, and it will be a two-parter. Oh, and a word of warning: this fanfic contains a fuckton of vulgarities of a sexual and profane nature. So, reader discretion is advised. And **PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE COMMENT AND RATE THIS THING.** If it's awesome, tell me. If it sucks, tell me why. Anything helps at this point. Anyway, enjoy the fic.

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It was dark and stormy on the Hogwarts grounds that day, so much in fact that all scheduled classes were cancelled. Most of the students stayed inside playing games, chatting, or just fucking (incidentally, the latter activity makes up 48% of all Harry Potter fanfics!). Harry and Ron sat in the extremely crowded Gryffindor common room, managing to grab the two particularly comfortable chairs in front of the fireplace.

"It's great to be back at Hogwarts." Harry said, in a contented tone. "I'm finally away from all those horrid people on Privet Drive."

"Wait a minute," said Ron, sitting up. "That family you live with locked you in what was basically a closet for almost all of your childhood, abuse you verbally on a nearly constant basis, deprive you of food and everything that could even be loosely considered fun, and you still live with them? Even that time they tampered with your mail could've put them in fucking jail."

"It's a little complicated." Harry said. "Every time I try to do something, the Ministry yells at me about using magic outside of school."

"Fuck 'em." Ron said loudly, causing some people around them to glance in their direction. "It's your book series. As far as I'm concerned, you can Melendez the shit out of that family."

"Have you noticed that the author is assaulting us with bad language to the point that we're going to be desensitized even before the big payoff at the end of the story?" Harry asked.

"Don't worry, it can only get better from here." Ron yawned, and closed his eyes.

Just then, Hermione entered through the portrait hole, carrying with her (from the looks of it) a fairly large, grey computer.

"What in bloody hell is that thing?" Seamus asked, and the entire common room went quiet.

"It's a laptop." Hermoine said in her usual brisk, bitchy tone. "My parents got it for me for my birthday, and I was hoping to try it out today."

"Wait a moment..." Harry said, confused. "I thought Muggle electronics didn't work inside school bounds."

"Not a problem." Hermoine said with a smirk. "The author has put this story in an alternate universe, so he can do whatever in God's name he wants. He could have Dean Thomas fuck a badger and it would still make sense."

Dean shifted uncomfortably in his seat near the window. If anyone else caught on about the badgers...

"Well, what does it do?" Ron asked. Hermione opened it, and small icons began to appear on the screen. The entire common room gasped, despite the fact that some of them had probably seen a laptop when they were living in the Muggle world outside of school.

"I had Professor McGonagall conjure a Wi-Fi connection from spider's legs, pig's tails, and dead children's livers." Hermione said.

"Wait, what was that last one?" Harry asked quizzically.

"Let's go on the Internet!" Hermione exclaimed. "What website should we go on?" And before anyone could ask what the fuck a website was, Hermione was already typing in the address to Google.

"Well then, what should we look up?" Hermoine asked Harry. "Maybe we could look up new spells for Defense Against the Dark Arts! Ooh, that's a really good idea. It might come in hand--"

"Shut the fuck up." Ron said, and snatched the computer away from Hermione. "I'm going to look up Harry." Ron typed in Harry's name, and pressed the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.

"Oh, wow!" Ron said in amazement. "I'm on this website called fanficsnstuff. com! And there's almost five hundred thousand stories about us!" The entire common room became interested again. "Read us one!" said Lavender Brown, and the rest of the common room began murmuring in agreement.

"All right, all right." Ron said in a resigned tone. "Here's an interesting looking one. It's called "The Night They Would Never Forget by ~MyXChemicalXRomanceroxX1996X!!1". Ron clicked on the story and began to read:

"It was a fantastic night already, but it was about to get even better for Harry and Neville." Ron read aloud, his expression turning to curious interest. "Harry removed Neville's pants and began sucking his dick." The common room erupted into fits of giggles, while Harry began turning an intense shade of pink. "Then Neville removed Harry's pants and started sucking his dick. It was awesome, I wish you would've seen it." The giggles were now turning to guffaws, and Harry was sinking in his seat, becoming pinker by the second. "Then, they fucked each other, with Harry bottoming of course! ROFLCOPTER!!! Tehy both came and then fell asleep. It would be a night they would never forget fo sure! TEH END!!"

The entire common room exploded in an orgy of laughter. Seamus was laughing so hard, he was rolling on the floor. "That was just revolting." Ron said, looking absoulutely disgusted. "I'm sorry, mate. I didn't know it was that bad." Harry was now the color of an old Ford Thunderbird, and was breathing very heavily. Suddenly, he yelled incredibly loud. "THAT MOTHERFUCKER THINKS HE CAN SAY THAT SHIT ABOUT ME?" Harry yelled, and the laughter in the common room ceased. "HARRY POTTER BOTTOMS FOR NO ONE! I'M ALWAYS TOPS, YA HEAR ME? ALWAYS!" Hermoine and Ron both glanced at each other, frightened.

Harry breathed more for a couple seconds, then said in a much calmer tone, "I'm gonna find out who wrote this. Whoever this--" Harry glanced at the author's name. "Whoever this '~MyXChemicalXRomanceroxX1996X!!1' person is, she's gonna pay. I swear to it. Ron, Hermione, follow me. Let's get to work!"

They made for the portrait hole, Hermoine making sure to grab the laptop before she left. The entire common room was staring at her, and right before she left, she said in her bitchy tone: "Well, don't look at me. I thought it was kinda hot." She then exited the portrait hole, out of sight.

**Will Harry and the gang find out who wrote the smutty fanfic?**

**Will it be a simple, horny teenager? Or will the story's depths be traced to EVIL?**

**Keep your eyes peeled for part two, kiddies, so you can find out!**


	2. Chapter 2

Unable to return to the Gryffindor common room after making asses of themselves, Harry, Ron, and Hermione retreated to the Library, where they began looking up information on the writer.

"There's gotta be something here that can help us find the identity of that writer." Harry said, dripping with determination.

"You know, Harry," Hermione said. "There's almost five hundred thousand stories about you on that website. I'm sure there's alot worse stuff out there, and I think you're making too much of this."

"She's kinda right, mate." Ron said. "While you were waiting for me in the bathroom, I looked up one with you and Lockhart, and another with you and Hagrid, and another one with you and Filch!"

"Goddamn it, at least Lockhart kind of has a nice ass, but FILCH?" Harry yelled angrily.

"And they're all written by the same person." Hermione said, for once not understanding the situation. Then, her eyes lit up. "Here's a hint about himself on his profile: 'I'm really into snakes. It's, like, the symbol of this fraternity I am under at school.'"

"Of course!" Ron said. "It's that little piece-of-shit Malfoy! I knew it, Slytherins always get off on defaming other people."

"Let's go kick his pasty, twenty-five year old ass!" Harry yelled.

"Dude, you're one to talk. You're turning twenty-one soon." Ron said.

"Fuck you! You're almost twenty-three!" Harry said.

"Boys, shut your fucking faces and let's just go!" Hermione said in exasperation. They all left and headed for the Slytherin common room.

_**10 minutes later...**_

Harry, Ron, and Hermione all waited outside the Slytherin common room, hoping to see Draco Malfoy emerge from the portrait hole. And, sure enough, after 15 minutes of lurking, Malfoy stepped out from the hole, that asshole smirk still on his face.

"It's okay." Ron said slyly. "I learned how to handle this situation from a Muggle movie I saw on holiday."

Ron walked out from behind the corner, stopping right in front of Malfoy. "Oh, if it isn't the Weasel King." he said in that asshole tone of voice. "Where's Potter? I thought butt buddies were ALWAYS with one another!"

Ron turned a deep shade of crimson, but maintained his composure. "Never mind that, Malfoy. I wanted to know if you knew anything about a story involving Harry and Neville turning up on the internet."

Malfoy laughed heartily. "Someone wrote that? Oh wow, I have to look that up when I get back to the dormitory."

"Don't play coy with me. We've been doing some research, and all signs make it look like you wrote the bloody thing, Malfoy. Or should I say, ~MyXChemicalXRomanceroxX1996X!!1 " Ron said triumphantly.

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." Malfoy said, and tried to get past Ron, but Ron was quick enough to block his way. "Hold on, Malfoy. " he said in that coy sort of voice again. "How about a magic trick before you leave?"

Ron conjured a wooden table out of thin air with his wand. Harry and Hermione looked at each other, wondering where in the world Ron was going with this.

Ron then pulled a pencil out of his pocket and slammed it onto the desk, making it stand up on the table. "I'm gonna make this pencil...disappear!" he said. He then took Malfoy's head and slammed it onto the table, causing it to enter his eye.

"Holy fucking asscrackers!" Harry and Hermione said in unison. Ron ran away past them yelling, "Hurry! Let's get back to the common room before the author managed to kill another main character!"

Just then, Dean Thomas walked into frame. "Hi, guys." he said in a friendly tone, right before a particularly fragile chandelier fell on top of him, crushing him to death.

"Too late." Hermione said.

_**Back in the Gryffindor common room...**_

They entered the common room, except for some reason, the entire place was empty except for Neville."Dunno anything about it, I just know that Fidelio is the password!" he said, before going up to the boys dormitory. They all sat in their chairs in front of the fire before Hermione took out her laptop.

"Oh, would you please not use that." Harry said, upset. "That thing's already caused me enough trouble as it is."

"Actually, it's causing you more!" Hermione said in a strange tone. "In the last 10 minutes, two new fan-fics have been published."

"Wait a tick..." Harry said, putting the pieces together. "Ron killed Malfoy 15 minutes ago! So it couldn't have been Malfoy!"

"Meh, I still stand behind my actions." Ron said, uninterested.

"And look!" Hermione said, the incredulous tone in her voice continuing to rise. "The user has changed his profile, it now says: "JK about that snake stuff. I'm rlly a LION'S MAN. RAWR!"

"So that means it's a Gryffindor!" Ron said, suddenly getting into the conversation a little more.

"Wait a minute." Hermione said, her eyes wide. She set down the laptop and broke for the boys dormitory. Harry and Ron looked at each other and ran after her. "Hermione, what are you doing?" Ron said, running up the steps. As they got to the top, they then saw Neville typing away on his laptop.

"And then Snape sucked Ollivander's dick. It was the roxors!" Neville read out loud, then noticed all three of them watching him and yelped.

"Neville, it was you the whole time!" Harry said, coming to the obvious conclusion that the readers had reached a paragraph ago. "You wrote about me fucking you!"

"Urm...yes." Neville said shyly. "I had to get out my sexual inhibitions somehow. But you know... I really wouldn't mind having the real thing."

The entire group laughed, and then dissolved into an awkward pause.

"Seriously though, are we gonna do it or what?"

**FIN **


End file.
